keeping quiet

Now we will count to twelve
and we will all keep still.

For once on the face of the earth,
let’s not speak in any language;
let’s stop for a second,
and not move our arms too much.

It would be an exotic moment
without rush, without engines;
we would all be together
in a sudden strangeness.

Fisherman in the cold sea
would not harm the whales
and the man gathering salt
would not hurt his hands.

Those who prepare green wars,
wars with gas, wars with fire,
victories with no survivors,
would put on clean clothes
and walk about with their brothers
in the shade, doing nothing.

What I want should not be confused
with total inactivity.

Life is what it is about…

If we were not so single-minded
about keeping our lives moving,
and for once could do nothing,
perhaps a huge silence
might interrupt this sadness
of never understanding ourselves
and of threatening ourselves with death.
Perhaps the earth can teach us
as when everything seems to be dead
in winter and later proves to be alive.

Now I’ll count to twelve
and you keep quiet and I will go.

~ Pablo Neruda

the lenten season

   “No, we’re not Catholic,” we tell our friends, “but, it’s true, we often observe Lent.”  Some people think this is kind of nuts.  Admittedly, it seems odd, but I was reading this article on the science of self denial by Jeffrey Kluger of Time today and I feel like it offered some insight into why the observance of holidays like Lent can be beneficial for those of both the religious and secular persuasions (and to some degree explains why we have taken to observing it ourselves.)   It was about how this season is not only one of spiritual penance, piety, and submission but also one which leads to the development of impulse control and, ultimately, can lead to greater self confidence and even increased happiness.  Kluger writes:

When it comes to good-time holidays, Lent does not rank very high. Nor do Ramadan or Yom Kippur, of course, and no wonder. They are all about saying no to something (or many things) you love. Where's the egg nog and holiday joy in all that? But we observe these less-than-festive celebrations all the same -- and we have good reason to do so. There are hidden benefits to so much ritualized self-denial...

   Lent has traditionally been a time of penance and abstention, a time to contemplate the sufferings and temptations of Christ as he fasted for forty days in the wilderness.  Historically, this was a time when certain Christians removed all animal flesh, dairy and eggs from their diets and gave renewed focus to prayer and charity. 

   Neither Ryan or I grew up observing this kind of asceticism, but there’s something about the Lenten season that has always appealed to us.  It’s the focus on temperance and self sacrifice and the turning inward toward contemplation and stillness that just seems appropriate for this time of year.  (Also, my willpower could really use a whole season dedicated to its strengthening any time.)

Every time an observer of Lent craves -- and resists the lure of -- a forbidden indulgence is a tiny reminder of a commitment made...  Neurologists and behavioral psychologists generally think of willpower as what's known as "domain general," which means that the more you practice it to control one behavior -- say, overeating -- the more it starts to apply itself to other parts of your life like exercising more or drinking less...

   Additionally, there’s something in knowing that there is a whole community of folks out there struggling to strengthen their will with me.  Through the experience of abstention, I think, we all come to foster gratitude for the plenty that we regularly enjoy.  With our modern culture’s tendency toward overindulgence, many of us live in varying states of excess, almost always giving in to our impulses.  We’re quite attached to food, drink, media, comfort, pretty things and modern conveniences of every kind.  It’s easy to forget that all over the world (and even in our own local communities) people struggle just to survive.  Giving a vice or a pleasure up by choice, it seems to me, helps to strengthen something within us and also connects us, in a small way, to the greater community in which we live.  

   For the children in our lives (who are forever living in a world of imitation), I think the Lenten mood helps cultivate a feeling of reverence and gratitude as well.  Who doesn't need more of that, right?  Despite religious affiliations (or lack thereof), maybe it's not so strange that folks embrace this season of sacrifice and all it has to offer. 

   "Happy Lent" surely isn't the proper salutation here but... I'd like to wish that the spirit of this season rests untroubled in your hearts.  Happy renunciation to all?    

   (Crafts for Easter coming soon...)

my super power

We've been discussing the commanding and bossy nature of the four-year-old.  Like our daughter, children of other friends of ours exert intense pressure upon their caregivers to constantly play with them in very precise and demanding ways.  In one recent conversation we were talking about strategies that both appease and fulfill the child's needs as well as allow our requirements for household demands and chores to be met.

Having a daily/weekly/seasonal and annual rhythm helps a great deal.  A familiar pattern in which children (and parents) know what to expect is comforting and helps children of all ages to thrive.  (I'll post about our own rhythm and its undeniable impact on our everyday well-being later.)  Even with patterns and a kind of "soft-schedule" in place though, challenges, of course, arise...

A specific demand often made in our house is that we sit and actively participate in some particular imaginative play for extended periods of time.  Our roles are often spelled out for us very precisely and sometimes even our dialogue is prescribed.  "Now you say..." she tells us...  "Now walk over there and..."

I usually find engaging in her play fascinating.  It's an expression of her inner world that I get to see come to life.  Also, sometimes I just love to play.  But I'm also the mother.  I take care of this wonderful child and I'm likewise a cook, a house cleaner, a launderer, a grocery shopper, a gardener, a payer of bills, a craft organizer, an activity planner and a wife to a hard-working husband.  I've got a few other things to do!  But lately, and this is the challenge so many seem to be having, Naiya will sometimes scream and cry when I attempt to extricate myself from what it is she wishes me to do.

Suggestions given in a recent discussion included 1) investing a really present 3 to 5 minutes with a child before then returning to necessary adult tasks (it's amazing how even a few moments of being really present will fill a child in a way that they can then play for longer stretches on their own) and 2) the idea of along-side play.  This means that while I, for example, wash dishes, Naiya plays at a similar task with a small bowl of soapy water and a bowl and a cup that she can wash herself.   Likewise she can do her own version of dusting as I dust, folding napkins as I fold laundry and so on.

These are both effective tools, especially the latter.  With it I accomplish a great deal and Naiya both embraces her "solitary" tandem play and learns the value of real work as a part of our household.  Sometimes, however, it doesn't seem to work at all.

Yesterday was one of those times.

I had dishes piled on every kitchen surface, crumbs all over the floor, colored rice in every nook of the great room and Naiya just wanted me to sit next to her and wash the one cup in her bowl of soapy water over and over and over.  She was on the verge of tears whenever I tried to leave her side.

This is when I introduced what has proven to be the most magical tool I have.  I have slipped this one from my bag of tricks over the years time and time again yet, surprisingly, I am stunned by its effect on each occasion.

I sang.

Yup.  That's my mommy superpower.
Let it be known.  Let it be spread across the land.
Singing transforms our world nearly every time.

And these are not clever songs I've memorized.  I don't have in my catalog a song for every occasion.  I just make them up on the spot.  Sometimes they're sweet and funny.  Sometimes they're completely absurd.  Occasionally they rhyme but mostly not.  Honestly, they're usually a little dumb.  And it doesn't matter.

Yesterday's went like this:

Here we go washing, washing, washing

Washing all our dishes

Here we go washing, washing, washing

Making dishes clean

Not at all magical, you say?  So it would seem.  But I sang it a few times while sitting next to Naiya until she joined in.  We washed that one cup together while singing the song, washing slowly, inside and out, with great care, and then I returned to my own sink.

I kept singing as I finished washing every dirty dish in the house.  She sang too, while she carefully and with glee washed her own cup and plate.  She even made up a few new verses.

There was no more crying.  We were fulfilled in our individual needs.  Separately playing but tethered together by the joy of a totally stupid song.

dolls for boys

I've been troubled of late by the lack of girls in children's literature...
...but I'll save that screed for another time. Today I'd just like to share something I found on a site called treasureboxtoys.com. I don't know anything about this site really, and I'm not trying to get anyone to buy anything from it, but I thought this excerpt was worth reading...

“Dolls for Boys (and why to buy them)
...sadly, most boys in our culture are not given the opportunity to play with dolls. The outdated myth which suggests that doll play encourages femininity is still pervasive, so the vast majority of dolls are designed specifically for girls. When my son went to buy a “baby” for my grandson, he was disappointed to discover that almost every doll on the market is a female wearing a pink dress!
Many parents wonder why they should even bother to buy a doll for their boys. After all, they love playing with their blocks, trucks, and play figures. Here is why: doll play encourages children to model parenting behavior. It’s no accident that my grandson growls, “I eat your tail! I eat your tail! GRRRRRR!” when he plays with his dinosaurs. It’s also no accident that he says, “Ohhh. Sweet baby, sweet baby,” when he holds his baby doll. He pats him on the back and lays him carefully on the bed. Sometimes he even comments that the baby might be cold, and pulls the blanket up over him. Trust us, the dinosaurs don’t fair so well. My grandson is taught that babies (including his) are to be handled gently and spoken to softly. He talks nicely to his baby, and actually treats him with respect.
Will this translate into better communication and a higher degree of responsibility and intimacy in his adult relationships? We think so. The American public spends much time and money on books, t.v. shows, and therapy to try to figure out how to make their relationships work. Women consistently complain that their spouses don’t communicate enough, do enough around the house, spend enough time with the kids, etc. Yet, we don’t buy toys for boys that encourage these behaviors...”

Just something to think about.